Hakkai's Smile
by Nozomi Anshin
Summary: Sanzo says something to Hakkai that gets his mind working. Where will his thoughts lead, and how will this affeck the Sanzo-ikkou? My first Saiyuki fic.... Rated R for language, and mature themes in later chapters
1. Prologue

I smile, but it hurts. "Just behave, Gojyo," I tell him with a gentle laugh.

"C'mon, Hakkai! You know me!" the kappa replies with a grin. "Catch ya later, guys!" And with that, he disappears from the hotel room.

"So, anyone want to bet on if he gets laid or not?" Goku asks, an amused glimmer in his golden eyes.

I only smile, ignoring my pain, as Sanzo hits Goku with his paper fan.

"Go to sleep, bakasaru," Sanzo scolds, taking a drag from his cigarette.

"But I'm not-"

_*Whap!*_ "Go to sleep," Sanzo repeats.

Goku lies down in his bed obediently, and within moments he is snoring softly.

I chuckle lightly as Hakuryuu perches upon my shoulder.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" Sanzo asks after a moment of silence.

I pet Hakuryuu absently. "What do you mean?" I ask, still keeping that painful smile in place.

"Smiling all the time. Pretending nothing's wrong."

Hakuryuu 'kyu's at me as my hand ceases its motion.

But my smile never falters; neither does the pain. 

"You hate it when Gojyo does this. But you smile and laugh it off," Sanzo continues, stating rather than questioning.

My smile remains, but inside, I begin to shake. How does he know?

"The saru pointed it out," he continues. "He's not as stupid as he seems."

Goku…Goku knows?!

"Last week he asked me why your lips smile when your eyes want to cry. I hit him, said nothing, and watched you since."

"Kyuu?" Hakuryuu nuzzles my cheek, sensing my growing discomfort. I stroke his mane gently.

"He's right. Your eyes were sad when Gojyo left, even though your lips smiled."

I sigh, easing my pain and letting the smile fall from my face. They're both right, but I had thought my mask was perfect. "Yes," I answer. "It hurts."

"So why do it?"

Why indeed. Perhaps I want to die smiling, like Kanan. Perhaps I don't want my pain to be the source of pain to others. I'm not sure, in truth.

I shrug.

Sanzo takes another drag of his cigarette.

More silence passes before Sanzo breaks it once more. "He'd be hurt if he knew," he tells me, looking at me with his piercing amethyst eyes. 

I meet his gaze carefully, hoping he's not referring to whom I think he is.

"Gojyo thinks of you as his closest friend, and he hates seeing his friends upset."

"Don't we all?" I ask simply.

He nods. "But he hates being lied to. You can imagine how upset he'd be if he knew how often you lie to him, Hakkai."

Lie to him? I hadn't thought of that. I turn and gaze out the window at the full moon, letting Sanzo's words turn over in my mind.

The door all but slams open behind me, and I don't even blink.

"Man, let me tell ya, all the single babes must have decided to stay in tonight," Gojyo announces as he flops down onto his bed.

I gaze out at the moon, keeping my smile-less face hidden from the kappa's view, Sanzo's words echoing in my mind. _You can imagine how upset he'd be if he knew how often you lie to him._


	2. Distracted

AN: ~~Gojyo~~ and ~~Hakkai~~ indicate POV/narrator changes.

Disclaimer: since I forgot it in the prologe: Saiyuki boys do not belong to me…(though I wish they did…especially Hakkai…^_^ ) Don't sue. I don't have enough money to pay you, I'm just a broke college student.

And now for Chapter 1:

Two days later:

~~Gojyo~~

Hakkai's been acting really strange for the past two days- hell, he didn't even say anything when I got back to the room that first night in town- and I can't help but wonder if I'm the only one who notices. He's been quiet-granted, he's always quiet-but it's a different kind of quiet. Usually he's smiling, occasionally laughing as I beat the saru's head in, and every now and then making some sarcastic comment. 

But this time…he's hardly said a word, and what weirds me out most of all is that Sanzo seems to know what's up.

Sure, the two have their bonds, same basic personality, but…this is weird. 

I tried to talk to him last night, but Sanzo stopped me, telling me that 'whatever it is I have to say to him, he won't talk to me anyway'. What the fuck is that supposed to mean??

Hold on, thoughts. Something's poking me. 

"Ne, you're awful quiet, Gojyo," says the saru.

"Yeah? And you're awful noisy, bakasaru," I quip back.

"Ero kappa-" he starts.

I slam my fist on his head. "Just shyaddap, saru."

He just blinks at me, appearing to be confused.

"You have been unusually quiet today, Gojyo," Hakkai says from the front seat as he glances at me in the mirror.

Damn that smile of his. He's smiling, but he's acting like something's up. I just don't get him! You'd think after three years-

"Just tired, is all," I reply, grabbing a beer from the cooler.

"Why? It's not like you actually did anything while we were in that town," the saru dares to speak again.

"Ne, Sanzo. Lemme borrow your gun a sec, so I can shut this saru up for good," I reply with a grin.

Sanzo just whaps us with that damned fan of his. 

Hakkai laughs-is it just me, or does it sound different?- and the saru finally shuts the hell up.

~~Hakkai~~

I know I'm acting strangely…ever since that night, I can't get Sanzo's words out of my mind. I've hardly slept since then, though I'm the only one who knows that…or so I assume. For all I know Goku and Sanzo both have seen the changes in my behavior lately. I shouldn't let it get to me. It never has before. Perhaps it's just because someone finally called my bluff that I'm letting it bother me. Or perhaps it's because it was Goku who noticed it.

But now it seems that the change in my behavior is affecting the others. Well, Gojyo, at least.

"Ne, Sanzo. Lemme borrow your gun a sec, so I can shut this saru up for good," Gojyo replies, a wild grin upon his face.

Sanzo says nothing, but hits them both solidly with his fan.

I chuckle, like I always do, at the turn of events, and yet, I'm only doing it because I know they expect me to. It hurts. It hurts the same way my smile hurts.

Silence falls over the pair in the back seat, and I know Sanzo is merely being Sanzo, leaving me to my thoughts.

_…if he knew how often you lie to him…_

I suppress a sigh as those words surface yet again. Just how often do I lie to him? To them? Often…I suppose, if Sanzo would go so far as to point it out to me. Perhaps all the time…no, not always. There are moments in which my expressions are real…but thinking about it, I suppose they are rather few and quite far between…

"Hakkai! Look out!" Gojyo's voice breaks into my thoughts, and just in time. I slam on the brakes, stopping the jeep with a jerk. 

In front of us is a cliff, dropping down quite a ways. Breathing hard, I put Hakuryuu into reverse and back us away, then stop to regain my wits. I can feel their eyes on me and I keep the smile off my lips, for now.

Sanzo is the first to break the now tense silence between the four of us. "You're in no condition to drive," he states, barely more than a whisper.

"Shit, Hakkai! Where'd you go, man?!" Gojyo yells, his fury obvious. "You've been actin weird all day, and now all of a sudden you can't keep your wits about you and you almost drive us off a cliff! Are you sure you're alright?"

I close my eyes, knowing he, and Sanzo, are right. I'm in no condition for driving. "I'm just a bit tired," I tell him, knowing it's yet another lie. That, and the painful smile I'm wearing once again.

Sanzo sighs. "I'll drive. But you two-" he glares at Gojyo and Goku "-had better behave."

"No, I'll be alright-"

"Bullshit, Hakkai. Let the man drive," says Gojyo, his tone too firm to argue with.

I sigh, for once giving in, and get out, switching places with Sanzo. "Sumimasen, minna," I whisper as Sanzo puts us on the road once again.

~~Gojyo~~

Alright, something's definitely eating at him… He only actually lets someone else drive when he knows damn well he's in no condition to do it himself, and that's only happened once that I remember…

I think back to that desert battle, where Kougaiji had attacked us, with Sanzo being poisoned. The way Hakkai was driving us back to that villiage, he and I both knew he shouldn't be driving. And he actually let me drive, knowing that despite my injuries, I was more up to it than he was. He didn't like the idea, and I can't really say I blame him. I hate it when someone tries to make me realize that I can't do something that should be easy to me.

Fuck. I just don't know what to make of all this. I glance toward him, and I'm shocked to see his face with what appears to be a frown crossing his lips. I can tell he's deep in thought, and that he feels terrible about what happened.

I look over at the saru. He's fallen asleep, which I guess is the best way for him to keep himself out of trouble.

I open my beer and take a drink. Something's gotten into Hakkai, and it's getting to me, whatever the hell it is. Looking over at him again, I notice his head is lowered, and I can see the eye behind his monocle is closed. He seems to be asleep. Good, maybe some sleep will do him good.

"Ne, Sanzo."

"You'd better not have anything stupid to say."

"What's with Hakkai lately?" I ask, taking another drink. "He seems like he's always lost in thought, and the last two nights I've noticed him tossing and turning in his sleep. He never does that, except sometimes on the few rainy nights where he actually sleeps at all."

"Hn."

"You know, don't you?"

"Possibly."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" I ask, raising my voice a little in anger.

"Keep your voice down. He's actually sleeping."

"I gathered that," I say, my voice quieter. "So what's gotten into him?"

"…"

I sigh. "You won't tell me, will you," I say, not a question, but a statement.

"It's not my place."

"Even though I get the feeling you're the one that put him into such deep thought."

"It wasn't me."

"Then who was it? Don't tell me the bakasaru actually said something with meaning."

"It wasn't him either."

"Then who the fuck was it?"

Hakkai stirred in the front seat, but remained asleep.

"If I had to say it was anyone…"

I wait for him to continue, knowing he'll tell me if he feels like it, and I'll yell if he doesn't.

"…it would have to be you."  
ME?? What the fuck? I certainly haven't said anything…have I?

"Me? I never said anything…"

"You didn't have to."

"So what the fuck are you telling me? That I'm the cause of whatever's getting to Hakkai, but no one said a goddamn thing to get him thinking? That it just randomly happened?"

"I never said anything about what was said."

I finished my beer in one large gulp. "You're not making sense, monk."

"I'm not supposed to, to you, kappa."

"Oi." With a sigh, I return to my thoughts, trying to make sense of what Sanzo had told me. I didn't _say_ anything to Hakkai to make him like this, yet I'm the source of his being so distracted by his thoughts. Someone had to have said something to get the train rolling, you know, give it the first push, but where it went from there…apparently I was the fuel for it getting anywhere at all. After all, even if you push a rock, it'll only go so far without something there to keep it going. Fuck. All this thinking is making my head hurt.

I lean back and close my eyes, letting the noontime sun warm my face.

.

.

"Ne Sanzo…harahetta…" Goku whines loudly, waking me from my sleep. 

Sleep? I don't remember falling asleep… Oh well. I look up at the front seat and see that Hakkai is awake again, that goddamn fake smile upon his face, as usual. I hate that fucking smile of his.

"Urusai, bakasaru," Sanzo grumbles from the driver's seat. Huh. It would seem that driving makes Sanzo irritable.

"Would you like me to drive?" Hakkai asks politely.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Somewhat. Feeling more rested, at the least," he assures the monk.

"How far until the next town?" I speak up.

Hakkai checks the map. "Should only be another hour or so."

"We'll stop for lunch there, then."

"Hear that, saru? You gotta wait an hour," I tease, poking him with the toe of my shoe. "Think you'll die of starvation first?"

"No," Goku replies, an angry expression upon his face. "I gotta live long enough to bug the hell out of you, ero kappa," he finishes with a grin as he shoves my foot away.

"Bakasaru!"

"URUSAI!" Sanzo yells, taking his eyes from the path long enough to whap us with that paper fan of his.

"Itai…" whines the saru.

"Heh."

My eyes are drawn to Hakkai once more. It's good to see him acting a little more like himself, but it seems like his smile is every bit as fake as it was earlier today. I _hate_ it when he fakes!! So what is it that's on your mind, Hakkai? And why can't you tell me?

~~Hakkai~~

I am indeed feeling better after the chance to sleep. After waking, I had put my painful smile back into its place.

I can feel Gojyo's eyes on me, but I pretend not to notice. Forgive me, my friend, for worrying you. I'll have to be more careful in the future, so as not to worry you.

I look forward to arriving in town. Even my own stomach is agreeing with Goku's. And I would like a chance to have a few moments alone to think to myself, but I can tell by the expression upon Sanzo's usually stern face that he will not give me those few moments.

The hour passes slowly, but we finally enter the town. Hakuryuu transforms back to his dragon state, and Goku runs ahead, eagerly looking for the nearest restaurant.

"Hold on, saru! You're not the only one that's hungry, you know!" Gojyo yells as he runs to catch up with our youngest companion, leaving Sanzo and I behind.

"Hakkai."

"Yes?"

"What was with you this morning?"

I sigh, knowing exactly where this conversation would lead. Knowing there was no reason for me to lie to the one who had pointed out that I do more than enough of that already. "I truly was tired, Sanzo. I haven't slept well the past nights."

"Since the first night in that last town," he confirms. "Did what I said really get to you that much?"

"Aa. I must admit, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it."

"Just don't be stupid about it," he says, placing his hand upon my shoulder.

I nod. "I'll be more careful."

With that, he heads toward the direction of the others.

Hakuryuu lands upon my shoulder and I follow, re-placing the smile that is starting to seem to be more harm than good.


	3. Chapter 2

~~Hakkai~~

            As we head out from the small town, with Sanzo allowing me to drive once more, I make a resolution to myself.  The thoughts which have been provoking me these past two days _will_ not disorient me completely.  When I have the time, and the opportunity to reflect on them without being a hazard to the others, then and only then will I do so.

            With that resolution firmly in my mind, we are well on our way to the next town.

            "Ne, Sanzo," begins Goku from the back seat.  "Harahetta…"

            Gojyo saves Sanzo the trouble of whacking him.  "Urusai, bakasaru.  You ate just an hour ago!  And that was no small meal for any of us!"

            I laugh a little at their antics, and I notice Sanzo eyeing me with a raised eyebrow.  "That was quite a meal, if I do say so," I added.  "Besides, there won't be another town for a day and a half."

            "Which means no hogging the food Hakkai bought in town, saru!" Gojyo commented, kicking Goku's hand from the bag in the trunk.

            "Ero kappa!"

            _*Whap!_* 

            I smile, keeping my focus on the road ahead.

~~Gojyo~~

            Well, Hakkai certainly _seems_ better.  I guess that sleep and then the food did him some good, but still…he was almost unusually quiet during lunch.  *sigh*  I can't help but worry about him.  He's hardly talked to me at all in the past two days, and Sanzo seems to be being really protective of him…I wonder if something more is going on there…Haha! Yeah, right, Gojyo!  You stupid kappa….

            "Ow, bakasaru!  Get your monkey feet off me!"

            "Then make room, ero kappa!"

            "You didn't need that much room before we got to that town, midget!"

            "Maybe I grew, akai [1] gokiburi [2]!" 

            And now I'm staring down the barrel of Sanzo's gun.  Gee, how many times have I seen that sight?

            "Shut up.  Both of you," he tells us, with an odd amount of calmness in his voice.

 #####AN: since I hate it when ppl translate things at the end, and I have to scroll up and down and up and down…I'm going to translate a bit here.

            [1] akai – red

            [2] gokiburi – cockroach

            And now, on with the story! ######

            I shut up.  He's freaky when he's that calm about it…  It gives me the willies just thinkin' about it.  The saru apparently is freaked every bit as much as me, and we find some kind of compromise without speaking, so as not to risk having our heads blown off.

            Hakkai just chuckles softly.

            Yeah, he seems more like normal…except that he's still being almost too quiet.  I shrug it off…maybe he's just in a quiet mood or something……and has been for the past two days…  *sigh*  Who am I kidding?  Something's definitely up with this guy, and it's pissing me off that I'm the only one who seems to give a fuck.  Either that or I'm the only one who notices…the saru probably wouldn't know a change in anyone but Sanzo, and even then I doubt he'd notice subtle ones.  He'd practically have to get hit over the head before he'd notice.  I know Sanzo knows something's up with him, based on our earlier conversation.  He knows it, he just doesn't seem to give a damn.  And that's what pisses me off.

            I pull a cigarette and my lighter out of my pocket, deciding I need a smoke.  I take the first long drag and hold it in as long as I can before releasing it into the passing air.

            The monkey lets out a little snore.  Great.  Now I can't even argue with him to pass the time, which leaves me with my thoughts.

            A few hours later we're setting up camp in a clearing inside a small patch of forest.  

            "Sanzo, harahetta…" the saru whines, his stomach confirming his statement.

            "The sooner the tent is set up, the sooner you eat, bakasaru," is Sanzo's reply.

            "Yeah, so get to helping Hakkai, bakasaru," I add, taking a drag off a fresh cigarette.

            "Why don't you help him yourself, ero kappa?"

            "Cuz I'm going for firewood," I reply, and with that, I head into the forest.

            "Don't go too deep, Gojyo," Hakkai calls after me.  "Just in case…"

            I nod.  He doesn't need to finish.  Just in case there's an attack.

~~Hakkai~~

            Goku does help me set up the tent, and we finish just a few minutes before Gojyo returns with a hefty armload of wood.

            "Alright, let's get this party started," the redhead says as he tosses the wood to the ground.  "I'm pretty hungry myself."

            With an irritated "Che," Sanzo lights the fire as I retrieve some food from the sack which was set inside the tent.

            I start the cooking, the painful smile still on my lips, never wavering.  From behind me, I can sense Gojyo eyeing the amount of food.

            "Think that'll be enough for the bottomless pit saru?" he asks, sitting down beside me.

            "Probably not," I say, keeping my attention on the cooking.  "But we have to make what we have last.  It'll be about another day until we get to the next town, and according to the map, it's not a very large one."

            "So how far is the next big one where we can really restock?" the half-breed asks me.

            "About three days from here, two, from the small town," I reply.

            He sighs.

            I hear Goku whine at learning he'll have to eat light for a few days, followed nearly immedately by the _whap! _of Sanzo's paper fan across the young one's head.  

            I laugh litely.  "Ma, ma, it'll be alright, Goku.  The next large town is probably the biggest we've been to yet, so we'll have plenty of opportunity to stock up on food," I tell him gently.

            The youngest compainion seems comforted by this and proceeds to wait patiently for me to finish with the cooking.

            We sit around the fire silently, Gojyo and Sanzo taking the time to have a smoke, and within a few minutes, I'm handing them their portion of dinner for the night.

            Goku eyes it, appearing to be disappointed.  "There's no way this'll be enough," he half-whines.  But he looks up at me with a smile.  "It sure does look good though," he grins as he begins to eat.

            I smile and take my time with mine, feeding a few bites to Hakuryuu, making sure that he too is fed.

            Goku is, of course, the first to finish, followed closely by Gojyo.  I can't help but think how alike they can be at times.  My gaze settles on the redhead and Sanzo's words float back to my mind.  _…if he knew how often you lie to him…_

            Does he know?  Of the three of my companions, he knows me better than the others, but does he know me well enough to see through the mask?  I glance at Goku…  It was he who brought it to Sanzo's attention…does that mean that Sanzo honestly hadn't seen through it until then?  And if someone who knows as little about me as Goku can see that my expression and the emotion in my eyes don't match, what of someone as close to me as Gojyo?

            Gojyo…I don't want to hurt you…you're too important to me.  That's why I hide the sometimes terrible thoughts that cross through my mind from you.  Even though you're the only one who can truly cheer me up on those rainy nights, I still can't tell you everything…

            I laugh softly to myself, thinking how ironic it is that the very person I owe my life to, the only person who really knows me, is the one I keep most from.  But I do it to protect him…to protect him from the terror I once was, and for all I know may someday be once again.

            Once Sanzo and I are finished, I gather the dishes.  "I saw a stream not far from here, so I'm going to wash the dishes.  I won't be long," I tell them cheerfully.

            Please, no one follow me…leave me to my thoughts…

~~Gojyo~~

             Oh no you don't.  You're not going alone, Hakkai.

            "Wait up, I'll help," I volunteer, running after him into the woods.

            It isn't long before I catch up with him, but he seems like he's in a hurry to leave me behind.

            "Hey…Hakkai…wait up," I call after him again.  This time, he slows his pace for me.

            I wonder if I should confront him…now that we're away from the ears of the others.  I guess it couldn't hurt.

            "You alright, Hakkai?" I ask him.  "You've been even quieter than usual since we left that town two nights ago."

            "I'm fine," he assures me with one of his oh-so-fake smiles.

            I raise an eyebrow at him.  "Yeah?  You seem…like you've had something on your mind," I prod.

            He laughs lightly.  "If that's the case, I'm not the only one," he replies with a smile as we reach the stream.

            I kneel down beside him and help him wash the dishes.  "Well, yeah, I know I've been quieter than usual myself, but I've been worried about you.  I tried to go up to you before we left that town, and that corrupt monk got in my way and told me that you wouldn't talk to me about whatever it is."

            "Because there isn't anything to talk about, Gojyo," he told me.

            "Sanzo seems to disagree…"  I'm getting bolder, and I'm getting ready to confront him, to tell him about the conversation Sanzo and I had while he slept.

            "Oh?"  
            "Yeah…he-"

            "Gojyo!  Hakkai!" Goku's voice rings through the forest, panic hanging on his tone.

            "Youkai…" we say together, heading back toward the campsite.

            Youkai it is, and a bunch of 'em at that.  I bring out my shakujo and let it rip, slicing through two of 'em as Hakkai lets loose two chi blasts, knocking down another two.  Goku takes out two with his Nyoibo and Sanzo lets loose two bullets, hitting one rather large demon square in the chest.

            Hakkai rushes over to Sanzo, throwing up a shield around them.  I wonder why, briefly, and as I turn to slice down another, I can see Sanzo reloading out of the corner of my eye.  Smart move, Hakkai.

            A few minutes and another round of bullets later, Hakkai lets loose a final blast of chi to take out the last standing youkai.

            "So what the hell were they after this time?" I ask, letting shakujo go.

            "The sutra," Sanzo replies curtly.

            "Shoulda known," I mutter, examining my left arm.  A few minor scratches, but no big deal.

            Hakkai nods.  "The attacks have been more sporadic, though.  Less organized…"

            "But higher numbers," Sanzo adds.  

"How many times to we have to tell them, more is not always better?" I add with a smirk.  "Hey, saru.  You alright?"

"Yeah," Goku pants.  "Just some little scratches.  No big deal."

"Sanzo?" Hakkai asks, worry in his voice.  We learned some time ago that unless doctor Hakkai is really persistent, the first sign of Sanzo being hurt will either be blood on his robes or him collapsing.

"I'm fine," replies the monk.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Yes, I'm sure," Sanzo replies, his tone slightly irritated.

~~Hakkai~~

            "Sanzo, let me look you over, just in case," I tell him.  Stubborn monk.

            I keep arguing with him, giving him my no-nonsense tone until he gives in.  Though I don't show it, I'm grateful for this attack…it saved me from the conversation with Gojyo.  I'm not sure that I want to know what it was Sanzo told Gojyo while I slept.  

            I look Sanzo over, checking for anything that might be serious.  He gained a few minor scratches, but true to his word, he is otherwise fine.

            Goku yawns loudly.  "Well, now that that's over, I'm tired."

            A small yawn escapes my own mouth.  "Yes, I believe we all are," I add with my usual expression.  "We should get to sleep; You'll be wanting to set out early, I assume?" I ask, looking over at Sanzo.

            He nods.  "So no antics, saru, kappa," he adds menacingly.

            The four of us crawl into the tent and settle into our sleeping bags.  Goku is asleep almost immediately, followed closely by Sanzo.  I lay with my back to the redhead, hoping to feign sleep long enough to avoid what I know he'll try to do – resume that conversation.

            "Hakkai?" he whispers after he's sure the others are asleep.

            I say nothing and close my eyes.

            "You awake, Hakkai?"

            Again, I remain silent.  Please, Gojyo.  Just go to sleep.  I'd rather not talk about it at the moment.

            He sighs.  "Another day, I guess."  

            I hear him rustle as he repositions himself, and it's only a few moments before he too is asleep.  Though I'd like to remain awake and think, I know I need my sleep as well, especially if I intend to do the driving tomorrow.  I sigh lightly and wait for sleep to claim me.


	4. chapter 3

~~Hakkai~~

            I am, as usual, the first to awaken.  Carefully, so as not to awaken my companions, I roll my sleeping bag neatly, then exit the tent to begin breakfast.  Goku will, undoubtedly, want to eat first. 

            I hear a rustling behind me and turn around to see Sanzo up and about.

            "Ohayo, Sanzo," I say quietly.

            "He tried to talk to you, didn't he?"

            I nod, turning my attention back to the breakfast before me.  "He started to tell me that you and he had a conversation yesterday concerning it," I reply.

            Sanzo sighs.  "He's worried about you, Hakkai.  You have been acting differently, though yesterday after we stopped for lunch you were more like your usual self.  But he's noticed that something has changed."

            I sigh.  I know Gojyo's worried, but…how could I tell him?  I know I should...and I know why I've lied to him all these times, but that doesn't make it any easier.  "I know."

            "Sanzo…harahetta…" Goku whines as he rubs his eyes sleepily and steps out of the tent.

            "Breakfast will be ready soon, Goku.  Please wake Gojyo so he can eat as well," I tell him with a smile.

            The boy nods and disappears into the tent.  "C'mon, get up," his voice calls.

            "OW!  That hurt, bakasaru!" Gojyo moans grumpily.

            "Then get up, ero kappa!"

            "Leave me alone, monkey boy!"

            "Yare-yare," I laugh softly.  It's a genuine laugh, and it would almost seem it catches Sanzo by surprise.

            "So you don't always fake it," he concludes with a whisper.

            "No, not always," I whisper in reply, just before Gojyo and Goku emerge from the tent, still throwing insults at each other.

            "Another small meal to start the day.  Touch my food and die, saru," Gojyo threatens.

            I hand them each their breakfast and smile as Goku and Gojyo waste no time in beginning.

            Sanzo and I eat more slowly, and I make sure to feed Hakuryuu.  When we've finished eating, Goku and Gojyo head toward the stream to wash the dishes, leaving myself and Sanzo to clean up camp.

~~Gojyo~~

            When the saru and I return to the campsite, we find Hakkai and Sanzo ready to roll, with Hakuryuu's engine already started.

            "Hurry up.  It's a long drive today," Sanzo states, sounding a bit more tired than he should.  Did he not sleep much last night either?

            Goku and I both whine at the thought of being cooped up in the small space that is Hakuryuu's back seat for the day…hmm…I'm going to have to think of some really good ways to annoy him… mwahahahaha…       

.

            But Sanzo is no fun.  Here it is, about noon, and he's already whapped us ten times and shot at us six.  Why the hell's he so testy today?  Weirder yet, Hakkai's not said a damn word to him about the way he shuts us up.  In fact, I haven't heard him say a word at all today.  He's being way too quiet again…but at least he seems like he's focusing on his driving today…

            Dammit what's wrong with him lately?  Everything he does seems so strained…so…fake…  And that smile of his is worse than usual.  Larger and more fake, if that's possible.

            I open my mouth to ask if he's alright, but before I can make a sound, Sanzo lets a bullet fly at my head.  "Hey!  What the fuck was that for?!?"

            "Don't even think about it, kappa," is all he says before turning around and putting his eyes back on the road.

            "Don't even think about what, bouzo?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.

            "Just don't," he replies, with a tone that demands dropping the topic.

            I sigh.  This group is just getting more and more impossible.  I pull a cigarette from my pack and put it to my lips.

            Dammit.  Sanzo won't even let me talk to Hakkai.  It's not like I'm a stranger to the guy; hell, he lived with me for three years.  I'd be willing to say I know him better than anyone.  And yet, here I am, totally clueless.  And Sanzo knows what I don't.  That pisses me off more than anything.

            This is going to be a looooooong day…

~~Hakkai~~

            I know Sanzo is trying to help me, by keeping Gojyo's questioning at bay, and I am truly grateful for it, for now.  It's been a long drive, and I've kept those nagging thoughts in the back of my mind, where they belong until we stop.  I haven't, however, had much time to think on them.  Trying to keep myself as focused on the journey as I can, and knowing that night is not the time for the thoughts that would undoubtedly keep me awake, I've had very little time to myself.  But every so often, Sanzo's words continue to echo in my mind, my heart breaking each time.

            Gojyo means so much more to me than I know how to say.  He's been my best friend, since before I acquired my name.  Even then, when I was nameless to him, I knew that his concern for me was genuine, that I could trust him with everything.  

            Yet I haven't trusted him with everything.  There are still many things I keep to myself, that I refuse to tell him.  I should tell him, someday.  

            Goku's stomach rumbles loudly in the uncomfortable silence, and I know exactly what's coming next.

            "Sanzo…harahetta…" he whines.

            "Urusai," Sanzo replies firmly, though not angrily.

            "Yeah, Sanzo.  Harahetta," Gojyo adds, imitating Goku's whine rather well.

            "URUsai…" Sanzo replies more firmly, reaching into the depth of his robes.

            I turn towards the river I've been following and stop.

            "What the fuck are you stopping for?" He asks me, apparently urgent to get to the small town that awaits us at the end of this day.

            I smile and laugh, for real, as I reply.  "But Sanzo…  Harahetta."

            He rolls his eyes.  "Not you, too," he moans.  But surely enough, his own stomach betrays him and growls quite loudly.  He sighs.

            "C'mon, Sanzo.  Say it!  Admit you're hungry!" Gojyo prods.  He doesn't back down when the Smith & Wesson is aimed at him.  "You know you want to…"

            Goku joins into the teasing.  "Say it, Sanzo!" he whines.  "Or I'll say it all the way to the next town."

            "And I'll be saying it with him," Gojyo adds with a grin.

            They're both like children, sometimes.  It's easy to forget Goku's truly the eldest of us all.

            I smile.

~~Gojyo~~

            Hot damn.  He's smiling!  For real!  This must be some kind of record…twice, not only in one day, but in the course of a few minutes!  

            Maybe all this Sanzo-teasing is what Hakkai needs.  A change of pace.  

            I look at Goku, and he nods.  With evil grins on both our faces, we begin chanting.  "Harahetta, harahetta, harahetta."   Even when Sanzo fires a few rounds in our direction, we don't stop.  "Harahetta, harahetta…"

            Sanzo glares at us, and I have to try not to laugh.  I think the fact that we're not getting scared of him irritates him more than our chanting.

            "Hakkai, can't you make them shut up?" he growls.

            Hakkai just smiles, and I can't quite tell if this one's real or not…until the smile reaches his eyes and he joins the chant.

            Sanzo groans.  "Not you, too."

~~Hakkai~~

            Gojyo smiles when my voice joins theirs, causing Sanzo to groan.

            "Not you, too."

            Despite his groan, Sanzo almost seems glad to see me enjoying myself.  And I truly am.  It's just the mood I'm in today, I suppose.  I have to find some way of keeping those haunting thoughts from my mind, and if that means I help the pair in the back seat in their task of annoying Sanzo, I suppose that's what I'll do.

            "Come on, Sanzo-sama.  It's the only way we'll stop," I say to him.  "And the sooner we stop, the sooner we eat, and the sooner we're back on our way…"

            I pushed him over the edge, I could tell by his face.

            "…harahetta…" he mumbles, barely audible above Goku and Gojyo's voices.

            "I don't think they heard you, Sanzo," I inform him, as Goku and Gojyo chant louder and louder.

            Obviously annoyed, Sanzo growls at me.  "HARAHETTA!" he yells, scattering the birds in the nearby trees.

            Silence falls over the jeep as Goku and Gojyo stop their chant mid-word.

            "Wow.  He really did it…" Gojyo mutters, his red eyes wide with surprise.

            Sanzo climbs out of the jeep, his irritation not fading slightly.  "Well?  Are we going to eat or what?"

            He needn't say more.  We climb out of the jeep and prepare for our little picnic.


End file.
